According to her, she probably could have been angry, worried, or distracted. In short, he had his justifications, but these should not interfere with the needs of others, because they too have this problem, this other situation, an emotion so or so.
Always this friend, she lives a conflictual relationship with the colleague who has the habit of snooping in the facts of others by embroidering on it.
I understand, but up to a point
Do you know how many times I’ve tried to make her realize that if she does, there’s a reason? If she does it is because that, for her, represents the way to absolve a need that, at that moment, can not satisfy otherwise.So, one day when she was complaining about yet another situation in which her colleague did not mind her own business, I asked her: but why do you think she does it?
And according to my friend, the person in charge is a frustrated woman who needs to let off steam.
But this is not right! because you, too … et cetera, et cetera.
I mean, I tried to make my friend understand that if she understands that others laugh and cry like her, she can accept and tolerate, even help.And if I look closely, I might even say that you understood, looking at possible reasons.
However, there is always a but capable of denying any statement. The MA preceding the point where understanding is interrupted by personal interests.In short, she understands that others can laugh and cry just as she laughs and cries, but she does not push herself to understand why.Do you know what this kind of understanding is for?
Nothing. All deleted from that “but”.So I understood one thing: understanding, the true and deep one can not exist without empathy.
But what is empathy?
Empathy: I understand you (and that’s it)
Empathy, I think, can be defined as the ability to step into the shoes of others.
But do it like you’re them. With all their problems, with their lives behind them, with their rules, fears, desires, abilities and emotions. Step into other people’s shoes as if you really were the others.
But this will never happen unless you first understand yourself and your claims.
I recently discovered a song by Niccolò Fabi that, in fact, is really about empathyThat is precisely the point. There is a time when we put a wall on our understanding because from then on understanding the other would put at risk what we think is right, what we are absolutely certain of.If my friend is sure that she has a good reason to ask the manager for a change of time, it means that she has judged that this is, in fact,”a good reason”.
From there on he believes he is right and to defend his conviction that then becomes a claim, he closes the doors to understanding.
But even if you understood what I have just said, that would not be enough to eliminate judgment and would continue to unknowingly put barriers in place.
He would understand up to a certain point, but in the end he would always arrive that “but ” that denies all the previous understanding putting in first place his certainties and from there his claims.
And that’s not empathy.
For understanding to become empathy, what you need to understand first is ourselves!
Only by becoming truly aware of us and of the consequences that our limitations and judgments have towards the understanding of others, will we be able to understand in depth by becoming truly empathetic with each other.
And I’ll show you in this other excerpt from De Mello’s book:
“[ … ] become participating observers. [ … ] I speak to you and at the same time I would be out there watching you and myself.
When I listen to you, it is infinitely more important to me, to listen to me than you. Of course it is important to listen to you, but it is more important that you listen to myself, otherwise I will not be able to hear you, or I will misunderstand everything you say.
I’ll deal with you from my own conditioning. I will react to you in every way, starting with my insecurities, my need to manipulate you, my desire for success, irritations and feelings that I am not aware of.
So it is absolutely essential that you listen to me while I listen to you.”